Each day is a new day. Each day there is a list of responsibilities that need care, some include self care or care for others as well as the regular day to day work life. With 365 days in a year this can be a lot of days and a lot of responsibilities as well as both good days and bad days to pull through.
Working as a completely self employed person, you are taking risks every day. What I have learned from this is that some risks are really not worth taking on for any reason at all. You can dangle the prize in front of my eyes but I can only jump so high.
I won’t make any super hero comments in this post or place blame on anyone but myself. I also won’t mention any names, places, or situations just allude to what actually happened, vaguely. This is a public blog after all. If you know a little about the story or the situation, I ask that you don’t comment in any way that is hurtful to anyone. I’m also not looking for sympathy, just a little understanding and I also hope that you understand that you are not alone if you are struggling with projects that don’t make sense to you either, in your life. If you don’t want to continue reading, that is ok too. I am still very much processing what happened and why i feel so terrible?
Over 14 months, in 2016 – 2017, I took on a huge ‘side’ project I should have walked away from. I feel like I strayed from my brand as a gallery owner, art consultant, and as an artist. It didn’t feel right from the beginning and I really should’ve listened to myself. I thought I could earn a living by doing it and it turned out it cost me much more. When we listen to our gut, our gut decisions are usually right? Right? The proposal was certainly interesting, presented with persuasion, and maybe some twists of reality. What is that expression about a grain of salt or a pinch of salt?
I have learned that I am more sensitive as a person than I ever thought I was. I care about people, I care about what people think, I care about how I act. When I didn’t get a response from the other side, it was hard to determine what to do next. I had never felt so alone. I felt very much that I had failed at this project. What I thought would be a profitable experience turned out to be a lot of time, energy, and money lost. Zero rewards, zero benefits.
I have made the decision that in 2018, I will only do thing that have my heart or that I know will pay the bills. I don’t think I’ll ever take a chance like the chance I took. It would really be a full time job, if i wanted it….which I don’t.
The impact of my decision to do this project meant a few things…
I lost clients because I was too busy, when i could’ve used the money?
I taught way less art classes and seminars, which affected my brand I am known for and my finances.
I was more negative because of stress (affected friendships/relationships).
I was quicker at task management, not putting as much love into everything I do. I even miss washing the floors properly and painting the walls. These are important right?
I created less meaningful art and less painting period which makes me unhappy.
I lost confidence in myself, my abilities and my skills.
I felt ignored, unappreciated and disrespected.
I tried to communicate the problems I saw and made suggestions which were not responded to….which was really hard on my self-esteem and my ability to do my job as best as I could.
I had to ask for help from others, involving others who maybe had other things to do that were more worth their time.
I lost focus on my career completely.
It affected my relationships with my best friends and my loving partner.
I gained weight, the heavy kind, that you carry on your shoulders.
I started to feel the complications of being a type one diabetic with less control
what i built only made me look worse.
I knew in April of 2017, I was needing to leave the project yet I kept getting sucked back in with hope the project would turn around and work in my favour? I grew more and more frustrated and I think i may have made myself a little ill over the whole thing.
In October I gave my two full month’s notice to be respectful. What fell upon me next was the most unbelievable and upsetting part. It was no longer about money and not making money but how I was treated as a human being. Its not easy being an arts professional as it is.
What I have really learned is that somethings are just not meant to be. I’ll leave it at that. There is so much more I could say here. I write this so I can remind myself later of how this one decision will impact me and my career for the rest of my life. Be careful where you step, you can’t tread water forever….sink or swim? I chose swim, I chose cre8ery and Jordan L Miller.